Are you really uncool? If so, you’re my perfect target audience (2024)

The radio presenter Ken Bruce said this week that his former employer BBC Radio 2 is damaging itself by “thinking of itself as cool”. It should, he continued, not be afraid to be “uncool” and if it wants to stop haemorrhaging listeners it would do well to keep that in mind.

Or, as I would tell Radio 2, if I had its ear: “Remember, today’s cool people are tomorrow’s uncool people. Sit tight, baby!” I would say the same to John Lewis, which sometimes attempts to go all hip and jazzy. If I had its ear I would say: “If you go down that route, where are all the uncool people meant to shop?” There is Selfridges, I suppose, but as an uncool person I can’t be seen in there. I have my reputation to think of.

• Radio 2 should never be cool, insists Ken Bruce

I am uncool. It may be I’ve always been uncool. It just comes effortlessly to me, never had to work at it or anything. I haven’t done drugs once. Haven’t been offered any, ever. Others can tell. I don’t know how. Maybe it’s the M&Sfleece (comes out of the washing machine practically dry!).

But if I had to put an actual date on when I officially became uncool it might be the day I decided to subscribe to Which? magazine so I could deep dive kemattles before parting with any money. There’s a lot to think about when it comes to kettles.

Boiling time, quietness, pop-up rather than lift-off lid. Also: comfortable handle, low minimum fill, easy to clean, clear water gauge. Also: the limescale filter. Is it easy to remove or a faff? Slave Niece recently set up elsewhere and bought any old kettle from Amazon. I had to hold on to the work surface and take deep breaths when she told me that.

Once I had recovered sufficiently — I don’t think you can ever recover fully from hearing such news — I said: “But I could have looked it up for you at Which?” She just shrugged. Shrugged! I was incredulous. Shrugged! I felt my knees go again and was back to holding on.

Having established my uncool credentials I think you’ll agree that I’m the right person to head up this new venture I have in mind: a magazine for uncool people. True, there’s Which?, but that covers only consumer goods. It has its place but I’m thinking of a magazine more general in nature, for uncool people everywhere, to reflect all their uncool interests, and available from your local least-cool shop, such as WHSmith.

There will be fashion: “That M&S fleece, how does it come out practically dry? We investigate the science behind it.” Also, as usefully: “What to not wear to that party you are not going to.” We will be showcasing several outfits you might not wear to the party you’re not going to because The Great British Sewing Bee is on. No other magazine will offer such a choice of what not to wear for never going anywhere when Sewing Bee is on. Or Gardeners’ World.

There will be cooking tips — “if you’re tired of pasta you’re tired of life … ditto jacket potatoes” — and, of course, real-life stories. “I just made my first Cotton Traders purchase. I don’t know how it happened!” one brave lady will confess. Another will reveal: “I turned down a ticket to Robbie Williams in Hyde Park because, on enquiring if there would be seating, did not like the answer at all.”

There will be campaigning journalism at its finest — “why doesn’t the dump have a gift shop and café so we can make a day of it? Sign here to make it happen!” — and a problem page. “Dear Uncool Magazine, I don’t know what to do. Muji duvet covers have zips, which I’d take over buttons any day, but it’s European sizes so not quite the right fit. What’s your advice?” Readers, you decide.

The only danger, I suppose, is that if it takes off, does that mean I’ve made uncool cool? In the meantime, if you don’t think the magazine is right for you today: sit tight, baby!

I laugh in the face of the law

Politicians in Japan have introduced a rule calling on citizens to laugh once a day because it has all kinds of health benefits. It is based on a paper from the Yamagata School of Medicine titled Associations of Frequency of Laughter With Risk of All-Cause Mortality and Cardiovascular Disease Incidence in a General Population. Just in case you thought this came from nowhere.

Is this a law? If so, how might they enforce it? I’m arresting you for not laughing the once today? You say you did? Do you have any witnesses? And how, I wonder, might your average citizen guarantee a laugh a day? You can’t depend on seeing someone fall over while running for a bus as that, alas, happens once in a blue moon. (I zip it if they are elderly or frail. I have a heart.)

If it were the law here, or rule or decree or whatever it is, I know what I would do to guarantee a laugh. First up, Tom Davis’s Murder in Successville, a BBC show that went under the radar, now on Netflix. Watch the Deborah Meaden episode. (The double bed!)

Next, one of the first videos to go viral, Ultimate Dog Tease. Just checked and even though I must have seen it a million times, it still makes me laugh. Now I’ve run out of space so, hopefully, today’s the day you do see someone fall while running for a bus. You could be lucky in that way.

Now, in the interests of balance, I should probably tell you what doesn’t make me laugh and it’s this: Slave Niece announcing she has bought a washing machine with no input from me. Then, I cry.